The game of Golf reveals the “Hamartia”, that fatal flaw in the character of a man and there is no better person on God’s earth than P.G.Wodehouse to have documented this by weaving his stories around lovelorn young men, torn between the game and the love of their lives! He wrote “the only way of really finding out a man’s true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself”
His “terrors of teeing off, the frustrations on the fairway and the perils of putting” have all, linked meanings to life.
We see all kinds of characters on the course, from the polished gentleman, the stoic individual, the excitable to the sulky scrapper and the infernal cheat.
THE GENTLEMAN GOLFER
This fast dying breed of golfer (unfortunately), the quintessential Scot, steeped in Victorian snobbery despite living in this egalitarian age. By preserving the meaning of etiquette, this golfer is positively a lovely chap to play this game with. Said the Society of Golfers at Aberdeen in 1783 “ While a stroke is playing none of the Party shall walk about, make any motion or attempt to take off the Player’s attention, by speaking or otherwise.”
THE BADGER
“The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows” said Wodehouse. True enough, these are the type who simply cannot tolerate any disturbance, real or imagined, including the sound of their own breath. An agonizing trait is in having to clear his 360-degree field of vision, including from that pair of eyes in his nether regions!
FIX THE SWING FOR FREE TYPE
“My golf swing is a bit like ironing a shirt. You get one side smoothed out, turn it over and there is a big wrinkle on the other side. Then you iron that one out, turn it over and there is yet another wrinkle”. If Tom Watson couldn’t iron his wrinkles out, he never played with Joe Coach who knows exactly how to fix a swing, even if you did not ask. A painful round of golf is in store for you.
JIM HACKER ANYONE?
The favorite expression of the golfer who never gives up and insists on completing every hole is “give me a 10” and a century before lunch is commonplace!
GOLFER PHONE HOME
Then there is this guy who cannot be separated from his phone. It does take some doing to be able to swing the golf club with the phone glued to the ear. Annoyingly, his mobile phone, which he would refuse to switch to the vibrate mode, will go off on the top of your backswing.
THE INFERNAL CHEAT
The wit said “Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole”. True enough, there are golfers who cant count over five and need to be reminded of that extra shot or two. Then there are those varieties who, when they think no one is looking, kick the ball back into play or surreptitiously drop another ball. There are some who would even alter a scorecard after the game just to put some more glass and plastic on their mantelpiece! To those, I commend the timeless words of Wodehouse “Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.”
QUICK GUN MURUGAN
Indians are typically slow in going around a course. The odd exceptions are those who just stand and deliver. A small brood of these men and women have their patience tested when following a group that is out on a Sunday morning walk. I have every bit of sympathy for them.
THE RULES TYRANT
And finally there is this type who keeps throwing the Rulebook at you. In awe of him at first and after that you really want to throw something back at him to shut him up.
Whoever, whatever, enjoy this glorious game, there is none better!
Ishwar Achanta is an International Golf Referee, Advisory Member,R&A’s Rules of Golf Committee,Council Member of the Indian Golf Union
